Dear Friends,
I apologise that it is a few years since I last sent a newsletter and I want to thank you for your continued prayer support. I continue to be unwell with M.E. or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) as it is also called and I left correspondence to one side for awhile due to the illness. My main symptoms are extreme fatigue and muscular pain. In hindsight, I see that my energy levels have been low for the past 7-8 years. However, upon finishing my commitment on the DOULOS in September 2001, the illness became debilitating. I have since been unable to work and it has been a struggle to do many basic things due to the pain, low energy and other symptoms. There has been slight progress over the years although I continue to have pain and low energy.
From the beginning of this illness, my desire has been that God’s purposes in allowing this illness would be worked out. God is in control and my life is yielded to Him. Over the years, it has been difficult coping with the illness and I have wondered what those purposes could be. However, I have been learning to trust that whatever God does, it makes sense even when it doesn’t humanly make sense. Along with the physical difficulties of the illness, I have struggled in other ways and I will share in this newsletter what I have learnt through some of those struggles.
Squandered Years? One of the struggles I have had is to be ill for years and with being unable to do many things because of this illness, to feel that my life is passing by. However, I realise that God’s economy of time is very different to ours. He sometimes permits our years to be "squandered" or so it would seem. For example, after David was designated to be king of Israel, God allowed Saul to chase David into the wilderness where he spent 14 years on the run for his life. From a human perspective it was an enormous waste of youthful years, yet the Lord had David right where He wanted him and that experience was preparation for his future role as king. Likewise Joseph spent years going through trials – his entire life was a shambles until the triumphal reunion with his family. There was no indication that God explained to Joseph during the trials how the pieces would eventually fit together. What pleased God was Joseph’s faithfulness when nothing made sense. Through all Joseph’s trials, God was working His purposes and plan out. While I don’t understand why I have to go through these years of suffering I trust that God is working His plan out in my life.
When God is Silent. In the spring of last year, I felt like I was going through the mill. I had constant pain, sore muscles, and constant headaches. Along with these and other symptoms, I was weak and unable to concentrate on reading and prayer as well as being too drained to go out. As well as the physical struggles, God seemed far away at the time when I most needed comfort and encouragement. With the illness continuing for years and in the midst of suffering it was difficult to see answers to prayer. On reflection after I got stronger, I realised that David and Job were also distressed when they went through a time when God was silent and His presence was hidden from their view. David asked "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" (Ps 13:1; see also Ps 77:7-8 and Job 23:2-9). James Dobson in his book "When God Doesn’t Make Sense," says that these and other biblical examples help us understand a critically important spiritual phenomenon – most believers are permitted to go through emotional and spiritual valleys that are designed to test their faith in the crucible of fire. The determination to believe when the proof is not provided and when the questions are not answered is central to our relationship with the Lord. Philip Yancy has said “The kind of faith God values seems to develop best when everything fuzzes over, when God stays silent, when the fog rolls in.”
Furthermore, God’s presence is not inconstant. It's our perception of Him that changes. Human perception and emotions are unreliable and even when God seems far away and uninterested in our affairs, He is close. I came to realise that I must never assume God’s silence or apparent inactivity as evidence of His disinterest. Rev. Reubin Welch once said "With God, even when nothing is happening – something is happening."
Hope. M.E. /C.F.S can last for several years but the recovery time varies with each individual with the illness. At one time when going through a bad patch I felt discouraged and close to losing hope. However, I realised that if I let go of my hope I would sink into despair. It was at that time I came to realise that even though I am physically weak, it is the inner strength of God's spirit that enables me to keep hoping, to keep pressing on in the illness, to keep believing that one day I will be well again. In Psalm 73:26 the Psalmist said "My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Prayer and God's Timing. The story of Mary, Martha and Lazarus in John 11 teaches me about prayer and God’s timing in answering prayer. The sisters sent a message to Jesus informing Him that Lazarus was sick. Jesus initially responded by not doing or saying anything. However Jesus' silence was not denial but rather a purposeful delay. Jesus visited the sisters after Lazarus had died and was buried. In the days preceding the arrival of Jesus it must have seemed to Mary and Martha that Jesus had abandoned them. However, Jesus only appeared overdue when in actually fact He arrived at the precise moment necessary to fulfil the purposes of God. Jesus wanted Mary and Martha to trust Him while they waited for Him to respond and to trust Him even when Lazarus was buried, when the situation seemed hopeless on a human level. Likewise Jesus asks us to have faith when our situations seem hopeless and helpless for He is our hope and help. What struck me about that story was that Jesus worked in that situation after Mary and Martha had brought their circumstances before Him – in effect it was a prayer. Indeed, Jesus worked in a way that was beyond what the sisters could ever have imagined. I have been challenged in other ways about the importance of prayer and of continually praying for my healing. I am specifically praying that it will be soon but in the waiting for the answer, I also trust God in His timing.
God’s Plans. We never know ahead of time the plans God has for us. Ours is a walk of faith not sight. In Roms.11:33, we read that God judgments are unsearchable and His ways are unfathomable. In the final analysis, God is in charge; He knows what is best and does all things well. As Job said "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" (Job 2:10). Everything that happens, including the things we cannot explain or justify, is being woven together like a beautiful piece of tapestry. From this earthly side it seems blurred and twisted. But from heaven's perspective it has an incredible pattern. Best of all, it is for God's glory. Right now, it seems so confusing, but someday the details will come together and make good sense.
Your Help. I would value your help in two ways. Firstly, please keep praying. Please pray for my healing. Pray for patience, a positive attitude and encouragement to keep pressing on as I cope with the illness. Pray that I will learn what God wants to teach me and that I will be moulded into the person God wants me to be - for God is the potter and I am the clay. Please also pray that my relationship with God would deepen and that God would be glorified in and through my life. Secondly, please keep in touch. At times when going through bad patches in this illness, I have felt isolated and lonely as I have been too drained to go out or get in contact with friends. I need your friendship and encouragement as I go through this illness. If you don't hear back from me straight away when you write, it's probably because I am not able, but please know that I still appreciate your contact and I will reply as soon as I can. If I don’t have your phone number, please send it as I find that telephoning is easier for me and I can phone a lot of countries quite cheaply. My contact details are the following:
"The burden of suffering seems a tombstone hung about our necks, while in reality it is only the weight which is necessary to keep down the diver while he is hunting for pearls."
Jean Paul Richter
Thank you so much for your friendship and prayers, I very much appreciate your support.
With kindest regards,
Olivia Wilson
Contact details:
email: oswilson2207@yahoo.ie
mobile: 086 0552940